Right to Arm Bears Proposed in the United States

The Board of Directors of the National Rifle Association has today succeeded in securing the necessary support it needs in congress to propose an amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America. The Amendment, which if it is ratified by the States would become the 28^th to the Constitution, introduces a right to arm bears. The amendment, known officially as the Ursine Armament amendment has secured the support of a group of senators and representatives from cross party lines, and is due to be introduced to the floor in just under two weeks’ time. The President of the National Rifle Association stated that ‘This is clearly a great progression in our democracy. I believe that it is a travesty that no such right has been introduced in the past. Even bears need to right to defend themselves against outside interference.’ The Bill would permit all bears living in America the right to wield arms, up to and including low level explosive ordnance.

 

The Bill has already met with concern from other congressmen. The Senator for Michigan described the idea as ‘plain idiocy’, and the Representative for Ohio made a statement saying: ‘This proposed amendment is clearly ridiculous. If we’re arming bears what next? Dolphins with machine guns? Alligators with grenades?’ Reaction on the streets has been equally divided. A poll of one thousand ordinary citizens suggests a 50-30 split on support with the remainder undecided. Supporters of the action claim that in states where bears are endemic, the measure will increase security to unprecedented levels. A statement issued by the NRA said: ‘Would you want to face down a bear? How about a bear with an AK-47? Less appealing isn’t it? Clearly this will lead to a decrease in violent and other crime, particularly in forested areas, and an increase in public safety.’

 

To pass into law, the Bill must first be proposed by a two-thirds vote Congress, before being presented to the States for ratification, where it will require a three-quarters majority, to be placed alongside its’ forebears in the Constitution. Congress votes on the bill on 10^th August.

Berlusconi Announces Controversial Debt Solution

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, under pressure to alleviate his country’s debt problems, today announced his radical new measures to reduce the Italian deficit. Following the crisis in Greece and the potential crisis in Spain, concern has been expressed that Italy could be the next country to face crisis in the continuing disaster in the Eurozone, but Mr Berlusconi has been quick to dispel any rumours of trouble in the Italian financial markets. In an address today to the youth branch of his party, Mr Berlusconi announced that his cabinet will be opened as a brothel to paying customers, with all funds to be donated to the treasury.

The Prime Minister’s office is yet to clarify the exact mechanism of the new measures, however it is believed that the scheme was proposed by Mr Berlusconi himself, and sources suggest that in an act of self-sacrifice and with the hope of proving that the system works, he will be the first customer. When questioned on the morality of the move, Mr Berlusconi responded saying “My cabinet are in full agreement that this move is both the easiest and most pleasurable way to relieve the country’s debt problems. And I myself am confident that the cabinet will make the necessary sacrifices, for the sake of the country’. A full statement is expected to be made this afternoon.

Other European states have criticised the move, with Angela Merkel condemning the move as ‘debasing and objectifying’ women. David Cameron is yet to make a comment, however it is understood that Number 10 are arranging a visit to Rome, to coincide with the introduction of these new measures. Nicholas Sarkozy, the French president, has welcomed the measures, stating that this is the sort of ‘innovative thinking’ that will carry us out of the crisis in the Eurozone.

Plane Crash at Heathrow During Foreign Secretary’s Speech

A British Airways plane crashed today at Heathrow Airport. The plane, a Boeing 737-800, came down shortly before landing, during a speech being made at the airport by Foreign Secretary William Hague. Mr Hague, speaking on the Foreign Office response to the crisis in Yemen, was whisked from the scene by car shortly after the incident.

It is believed that the crash was caused by light reflecting off Mr Hague’s head into the eyes of the pilots, however a full enquiry has been launched to ascertain the full facts of the crash. The black box from the aircraft has been recovered, as well as several childrens’ toys, and a teddy-bear with a missing leg. Rescuers described the scene in the wreckage as heart-breaking, and have called for an apology from Mr Hague. The 189 seat aircraft which was carrying a horde of British tourists back from Ibiza, crash-landed within the grounds of the airport, short of runway 1, with no severe casualties. Several of the cabin crew were taken to hospital suffering from cricked necks, and fifteen passengers were also taken to burns units, although it is believed that this was not to do with the crash.

Several of the victims stated that they intended to sue Mr Hague for trauma, and one of the cabin crew announced an intention to claim from their employer. Mr Hague is yet to make any formal comment, and has not been seen in public since the incident, however BA made the following statement five hours after the crash:

‘It is regrettable that this incident has occurred, and the victims can rest assured that a full internal investigation has been launched. Now is not the time for blame, however it is clear that blame cannot be ascribed to any of our staff, and lays squarely at the feet of the causer of this disaster’

The statement has been condemned by industry leaders as ‘unhelpful’ and as a ‘sad indictment of the world we live in’. Commenting on the disaster, the Transport Secretary stated that ‘We must think of the victims in this unfortunate time.’ Leader of the opposition, Ed Milliband said in the House of Commons that ‘The crash is a sad inevitability of Conservative policy, and is demonstrative of the broken ‘big society’ plan’. The papers have taken different approaches to the disaster, with the Mail condemning it as symptomatic of immigration and criticising it’s effect on house prices; the Guardian producing a wall chart showing other air crashes from history; and the Sun commenting that had the plane landed a few miles to the left, it may have landed safely on the cleavage of Katie Price. Mr Hague is expected to speak in the House tomorrow.

Statistics Questioned in Newspapers

Statistics collected by British newspapers have been questioned today as the Daily Mail publishes a statistic that allegedly demonstrates that 96% of all foreigners live in the United Kingdom. The latest development comes after a string of questionable statistics in British newspapers which have been criticised by the Office of National Statistics as ‘flawed’.

The Mail’s headline follows the revelation by the Telegraph last week that 92% of all Britons think about Princess Diana ‘at least once a minute’, and that the late princess is more missed than Marathon bars. Daniel Crimp, Professor of Statistics at the University of East Anglia, suggests that the statistics are ‘erroneous and ridiculous’, and that the papers’ collection methods ‘may need refinement’. In a statement issued last night, the ONS stated: ‘The statistics given in newspapers are consistently flawed, inaccurate, and in many cases, downright ridiculous’. Responses to the criticism from newspapers have been varied. The Daily Mail issued a statement blaming immigrants working in their statistics office, the Guardian issued a wall chart mapping the quality of statistics over the media, the Times printed a full page photograph of Rupert Murdoch smiling, and the Sun contained a statement from it’s resident statistician; Olivia, 38 from Penge stating unequivocally that ‘This complaint is merely a nefarious personal irruption’.

The Director of the Office of National Statistics indicated that a complaint would be made to the Government over the data, which he said was dangerous and could be offensive to parties featured. The Home Secretary is yet to make a comment, but is expected to raise the issue in the House, and to question the necessity of certain ‘dubious’ statistics included in papers, such as the figures published in the Mirror that supposedly show that one in three couples has two people in it, and those in the Mail that suggest that three-quarters of men over fifty are immigrant paedophiles ‘intent on child-slaughter’. The Press Complaints Commission is expected to make a statement at 17:30 tomorrow evening on the debate.

Anti-Gravity Days Announced By Government

In a somewhat surprising move, the Government today announced a new public occasion. Starting from the 1st May, every second Tuesday will be designated as an ‘Anti-Gravity day’. The controversial move, which has been described by opposition leaders as ‘cynical’, has been criticised by some commentators as a sensationalist attempt to draw attention from the current global situation. The mechanics of the day have yet to be explained, but it is understood that with the support of Government scientists working at Porton Down, on the designated days, gravity in Britain will be temporarily reversed, with the effect that anything not tied down will fly into the air.

Professor David Higgins, lecturer in Physics at University College London has led a petition by leading academics to reverse the decision. Professor Higgins, interviewed in the Guardian, said ‘This move is patently absurd. It flies in the face of science, logic and reason, and cannot be allowed to proceed.’ The petition, which calls upon the Government to see reason and obey the known laws of physics, has already garnered signatures from over three-thousand leading scientists, and will be delivered to Downing Street tomorrow. A planned march on Westminster in protest at the action has already been cancelled after its leaders were floated into space in what the Government described as a ‘planned test of the systems’.

A press statement issued by the Government explaining the move said that the move was part of a broader package of reforms designed to cut costs. When pressed on this issue, the Home Secretary clarified that this particular move was directed at the aviation industry, with the hope that as more people make their own flights on Anti-Gravity days, new landing fees and taxes may be imposed on the individual, as well as on airlines. Pamphlets on what to expect are currently being delivered by Royal Mail, and should be arriving sometime in the next three decades. The Prime Minister denied that this was a U-turn on previous gravitic policy, insisting that it was time that legislation was tightened in this area.

Foreign Office Dedicated to ‘Saying Nothing’ on Bahrain

A statement from the Foreign Office issued today clarifies their position on the continuing protests in Bahrain. The protests by anti-government protesters have been dispersed by the Bahraini army and police, using tear gas, and live ammunition. The protests, the latest in the wave that has so far unseated two Presidents and their governments, had been largely peaceful until last night, when the Army fired upon protesters as they slept. The decision has been criticised by many groups, who have condemned the response.

Until today, the British Government has remained silent upon the issue, however, a statement delivered by the Foreign Secretary has made the Government’s position clear in no uncertain terms. The Foreign Secretary stated that the British government was ‘absolutely committed to saying nothing on the protests in Bahrain’ noting that ‘the more meaningful points we make now, the more people we will insult’. When pressed, the Secretary insisted that there was no point ‘skirting around the issue’, and that the government’s position had been made ‘absolutely clear’ in his statement.

Mubarak Resigns To Play Popular Children’s Character

Mubarak rehearsing, yesterday

Following the resignation of President Hosni Mubarak earlier today, further details surrounding his departure have been revealed. A press statement released by the interim military government clarified that Mr Mubarak resigned not because of the eighteen-day long protests, but rather in order to play the role of Eeyore in a new live action film version of the children’s classic ‘Winnie the Pooh’. Mr Mubarak, who has ruled as president of Egypt for the past thirty years, is said to be ‘ecstatic’ at the opportunity, and is apparently hoping that the role will open a new career for him as a film actor.

International observers have expressed doubts over Mr Mubarak’s departure, described by some as a futile attempt to change his image. Professor Hussein Jawad, Senior Lecturer in Middle Eastern politics at the University of West Sussex described the move as ‘cynical’, stating that ‘The People do not want Mubarak as Eeyore. They’d much prefer someone else.’ Despite his comments, the people of Egypt are celebrating tonight, Tahrir Square, the focus of the demonstration, hosting the largest party seen in Egypt since the death of Ahkenaten in 1334 BC.

The new military government has yet to release a detailed official response, however, a full statement is expected within the next few hours. No word has been forthcoming from Mr Mubarak himself, believed to be in the Red Sea resort of Sharm el-Sheikh, however the studio behind the ‘rebooting’ of the ‘Winnie the Pooh’ franchise, has released the following brief statement: ‘We look forward to working with Mr Mubarak in his new role as Eeyore, and are confident that he will overcome his difficulties to play a truly winning performance as a character that is so close to many people’s hearts.’

Lord Mandelson Turned Away as “Too Much of a Risk”

Further details have emerged of Lord Mandelson’s near death experience. Lord Mandelson, Labours’ former spin-doctor, is not believed to have been driving the Mercedes involved in the collision, on the A3 between London and Portsmouth. The collision was reported to local police by a passing motorist, who noticed the black Mercedes in the verge. Police confirmed that Lord Mandelson had been involved, and that an ambulance had been called. Ambulance services later confirmed that Lord Mandelson had been treated at the scene for major head trauma at the scene, and that resuscitation had been utilized. When Lord Mandelson regained consciousness, a press statement was found tucked into his top pocket. The police confirmed the presence of the mysterious statement and provided the following transcript:

It is with the greatest regret that we are unable to take custody of this fleshling at the present time. After careful consideration by the authorities, it has been decided that to accept this mortal at the present would be too much of a risk to the powers-that-be. Having had personal experience of the destabilization of regimes, and having monitored the actions of this creature, our Master has decided that for the time being, entry into the eternal fires is not an option for the fleshling. In addition to this, within the Master’s remit is the torment of all humanity, and he further feels that keeping the mortal on Earth will more easily achieve the above goal, prolonging humanities suffering.

Many Thanks, Enjoy the next few decades!

No word has been forthcoming from Lord Mandelson’s spokesperson, although sources close to him report that he is well recovered from his ordeal, and will be making his own statement on the accident within the next few days.

Jobs Announces New Apple Product

It was announced today by Apple Chief Executive Steve Jobs that the computer and entertainment giant wishes to expand into the media market. The latest product from Apple was also on show at the presentation, at the San Francisco Technology Exhibition. The product is a new television, being dubbed as “revolutionary” and “astonishing” by Apple insiders, was announced to the press with the name the iTV. When quizzed on concerns about the name, Jobs indicated that he did not think there would be a problem. “The iTV is a revolutionary product, unlike any other, and any naming similarities with other brands are purely coincidental”. Tech experts predict that whilst this latest product will undoubtedly sell, the intense competition in an already crowded market may mean that Apple struggles to make a profit. One analyst commented “In this instance, I believe that Apple may have bitten off more than they can chew”, whilst another opined that “In this case, for the company, they cannot have two bites of the apple”. More cynical observers have expressed some concerns that the company may be overstretching itself with the anticipated forthcoming release of its new generation iPad.

Shock as Britton Makes No Appearance in Womens Magazines

2008 announced that she had had a gastric band fitted, “for personal reasons”, has so far made no statement, but is expected to hold an emergency press conference for the magazines in question, in order that she may appear next week. This latest occurrence of seeming laxity from the glossy magazines is likely to increase the recent debate around which celebrities should be permanent fixtures in magazines. An (unofficial) source in one of the magazines said “Of course, it is greatly unfortunate that Fern’s problems were overlooked in this edition of the magazine, but, in any wide-ranging publication such as ours, oversights are inevitable.”