More Historical Figures Demand Apologies

With the recent pardon from the British government to Alan Turing, the late computer genius and code-breaker, more historical characters have begun their own campaigns to receive official pardons. The first, by Anne Boleyn, wife of King Henry VIII, demands an apology for ‘Acts of gross indecency during marriage, abuse and eventual execution’. Lawyers for Ms Boleyn report that she is furious at the silence being maintained by the government. She has demanded a full royal apology. Since the demand for an apology from Ms Boleyn, several of the King’s other wives have joined Ms Boleyn in her demands, forming a group, supported by several city lawyers, named Queens 4 Apologies. The effects of the petition are not only being felt in Britain, and in Mongolia, a group has begun a petitions calling for a United Nations Apology for Chinggis Khan, who the group describe as “A great hero of the World”. One of the more controversial groups, The Devil’s Advocates, have called for an official Papal Bull to be issued, apologising for the negative treatment and portrayal of “Our Most Great and Satanical Master, Lord of the Pit and Vanquisher of the Messiah”. So far, no statement has emerged from the Holy See.

Google Changes Unofficial Motto

The World’s biggest Search Engine, Google today announced that it is to change it’s unofficial Motto, “Don’t be Evil”, to the more competitive “Be Evil”. Company insiders report that the move is to maintain the company’s position within a modern and progressive market, although they have not revealed how this new approach will take them. The company’s headquarters, the Googleplex in California has been lit up red for several nights now and the company’s CEO is due to gib a press conference later this afternoon. Reports that the company has been breeding cats within it’s headquarters are unconfirmed, although reliable sources within the management have confirmed that a program of so called ‘NPR’ training has been organised and is being given to all employees. The reforms are due to be completed in the summer of 2010 when the company moves it’s headquarters to a recently purchased complex, on a private pacific island.

British Government in Hanging Gangs Amnesty

The British Government today announced a coat-hangar amnesty, urging people to bring their hangars to police collection points scattered throughout the country. The recent introduction of the Dangerous Hanging Objects Bill (2009) means that all coat-hangars wishing to hang in British wardrobes must register with the Ministry of Household Objects, to gain permission to remain in British closets. Hangars found to be flouting regulations will be sentenced by the Magistrates Courts, facing punishments of re-purposing, thought to mean re fashioning into useful hooks. Minister for Household Objects, Hubert Hoss warned people of the dangers presented by coat-hangars and urged them to hand in their hangars. No spokesperson from the coat-hangars has come forward to reply to these regulations.

Asian Hit-and-run Snail Strikes Again

The spate of hit-and-run incidents continues today with three more attacks, two in India, and one in Nepal. The first came at 8:17 this morning, when it was reported that a man was injured in the city of Hyderabad, he is understood to be in a critical condition in hospital. The second came six hours later, with two people understood to have been attacked in New Delhi. No information has been released on their conditions. The Nepali attack came at 15:32 in the capital of Kathmandu. Three were understood to have been struck by a speeding snail. An eyewitness reported that the snail had mounted the kerb, and appeared to be targetting the people who were struck. The Indian government released a statement, expressing their concern that this may be an organized gang, operating through the Asias. These attacks come after several months of sustained assaults throughout China and many other Eastern Countries. So far, no one has died, although several of the victims are thought to be in vegetative states, and are being kept in stable conditions at hospitals.

American President Announces Fleet Cutbacks

The White House today announced major fleet cutbacks , in accordance with it’s new budget constraints, in a move slammed by some political commentators and military analysts as provocative and dangerous. The President said in a statement that the fleet will be cut down from the current 280 battleships and carriers to three bathtubs, a rubber dinghy and a water butt. This funding cut comes at the end of a week of slashes for america, in which all departements have suffered major budget cuts. Announced in a statement on Saturday, NASA has been reduced to a shed in the White House back garden, and the CIA reduced to two pairs of binoculars and a black suit. This has led some to speculate that the American economy is close to collapse. No naval official was available to comment.