Plane Crash at Heathrow During Foreign Secretary’s Speech

A British Airways plane crashed today at Heathrow Airport. The plane, a Boeing 737-800, came down shortly before landing, during a speech being made at the airport by Foreign Secretary William Hague. Mr Hague, speaking on the Foreign Office response to the crisis in Yemen, was whisked from the scene by car shortly after the incident.

It is believed that the crash was caused by light reflecting off Mr Hague’s head into the eyes of the pilots, however a full enquiry has been launched to ascertain the full facts of the crash. The black box from the aircraft has been recovered, as well as several childrens’ toys, and a teddy-bear with a missing leg. Rescuers described the scene in the wreckage as heart-breaking, and have called for an apology from Mr Hague. The 189 seat aircraft which was carrying a horde of British tourists back from Ibiza, crash-landed within the grounds of the airport, short of runway 1, with no severe casualties. Several of the cabin crew were taken to hospital suffering from cricked necks, and fifteen passengers were also taken to burns units, although it is believed that this was not to do with the crash.

Several of the victims stated that they intended to sue Mr Hague for trauma, and one of the cabin crew announced an intention to claim from their employer. Mr Hague is yet to make any formal comment, and has not been seen in public since the incident, however BA made the following statement five hours after the crash:

‘It is regrettable that this incident has occurred, and the victims can rest assured that a full internal investigation has been launched. Now is not the time for blame, however it is clear that blame cannot be ascribed to any of our staff, and lays squarely at the feet of the causer of this disaster’

The statement has been condemned by industry leaders as ‘unhelpful’ and as a ‘sad indictment of the world we live in’. Commenting on the disaster, the Transport Secretary stated that ‘We must think of the victims in this unfortunate time.’ Leader of the opposition, Ed Milliband said in the House of Commons that ‘The crash is a sad inevitability of Conservative policy, and is demonstrative of the broken ‘big society’ plan’. The papers have taken different approaches to the disaster, with the Mail condemning it as symptomatic of immigration and criticising it’s effect on house prices; the Guardian producing a wall chart showing other air crashes from history; and the Sun commenting that had the plane landed a few miles to the left, it may have landed safely on the cleavage of Katie Price. Mr Hague is expected to speak in the House tomorrow.

Statistics Questioned in Newspapers

Statistics collected by British newspapers have been questioned today as the Daily Mail publishes a statistic that allegedly demonstrates that 96% of all foreigners live in the United Kingdom. The latest development comes after a string of questionable statistics in British newspapers which have been criticised by the Office of National Statistics as ‘flawed’.

The Mail’s headline follows the revelation by the Telegraph last week that 92% of all Britons think about Princess Diana ‘at least once a minute’, and that the late princess is more missed than Marathon bars. Daniel Crimp, Professor of Statistics at the University of East Anglia, suggests that the statistics are ‘erroneous and ridiculous’, and that the papers’ collection methods ‘may need refinement’. In a statement issued last night, the ONS stated: ‘The statistics given in newspapers are consistently flawed, inaccurate, and in many cases, downright ridiculous’. Responses to the criticism from newspapers have been varied. The Daily Mail issued a statement blaming immigrants working in their statistics office, the Guardian issued a wall chart mapping the quality of statistics over the media, the Times printed a full page photograph of Rupert Murdoch smiling, and the Sun contained a statement from it’s resident statistician; Olivia, 38 from Penge stating unequivocally that ‘This complaint is merely a nefarious personal irruption’.

The Director of the Office of National Statistics indicated that a complaint would be made to the Government over the data, which he said was dangerous and could be offensive to parties featured. The Home Secretary is yet to make a comment, but is expected to raise the issue in the House, and to question the necessity of certain ‘dubious’ statistics included in papers, such as the figures published in the Mirror that supposedly show that one in three couples has two people in it, and those in the Mail that suggest that three-quarters of men over fifty are immigrant paedophiles ‘intent on child-slaughter’. The Press Complaints Commission is expected to make a statement at 17:30 tomorrow evening on the debate.

Anti-Gravity Days Announced By Government

In a somewhat surprising move, the Government today announced a new public occasion. Starting from the 1st May, every second Tuesday will be designated as an ‘Anti-Gravity day’. The controversial move, which has been described by opposition leaders as ‘cynical’, has been criticised by some commentators as a sensationalist attempt to draw attention from the current global situation. The mechanics of the day have yet to be explained, but it is understood that with the support of Government scientists working at Porton Down, on the designated days, gravity in Britain will be temporarily reversed, with the effect that anything not tied down will fly into the air.

Professor David Higgins, lecturer in Physics at University College London has led a petition by leading academics to reverse the decision. Professor Higgins, interviewed in the Guardian, said ‘This move is patently absurd. It flies in the face of science, logic and reason, and cannot be allowed to proceed.’ The petition, which calls upon the Government to see reason and obey the known laws of physics, has already garnered signatures from over three-thousand leading scientists, and will be delivered to Downing Street tomorrow. A planned march on Westminster in protest at the action has already been cancelled after its leaders were floated into space in what the Government described as a ‘planned test of the systems’.

A press statement issued by the Government explaining the move said that the move was part of a broader package of reforms designed to cut costs. When pressed on this issue, the Home Secretary clarified that this particular move was directed at the aviation industry, with the hope that as more people make their own flights on Anti-Gravity days, new landing fees and taxes may be imposed on the individual, as well as on airlines. Pamphlets on what to expect are currently being delivered by Royal Mail, and should be arriving sometime in the next three decades. The Prime Minister denied that this was a U-turn on previous gravitic policy, insisting that it was time that legislation was tightened in this area.