Lord Mandelson Turned Away as “Too Much of a Risk”

Further details have emerged of Lord Mandelson’s near death experience. Lord Mandelson, Labours’ former spin-doctor, is not believed to have been driving the Mercedes involved in the collision, on the A3 between London and Portsmouth. The collision was reported to local police by a passing motorist, who noticed the black Mercedes in the verge. Police confirmed that Lord Mandelson had been involved, and that an ambulance had been called. Ambulance services later confirmed that Lord Mandelson had been treated at the scene for major head trauma at the scene, and that resuscitation had been utilized. When Lord Mandelson regained consciousness, a press statement was found tucked into his top pocket. The police confirmed the presence of the mysterious statement and provided the following transcript:

It is with the greatest regret that we are unable to take custody of this fleshling at the present time. After careful consideration by the authorities, it has been decided that to accept this mortal at the present would be too much of a risk to the powers-that-be. Having had personal experience of the destabilization of regimes, and having monitored the actions of this creature, our Master has decided that for the time being, entry into the eternal fires is not an option for the fleshling. In addition to this, within the Master’s remit is the torment of all humanity, and he further feels that keeping the mortal on Earth will more easily achieve the above goal, prolonging humanities suffering.

Many Thanks, Enjoy the next few decades!

No word has been forthcoming from Lord Mandelson’s spokesperson, although sources close to him report that he is well recovered from his ordeal, and will be making his own statement on the accident within the next few days.