Berlusconi Announces Controversial Debt Solution

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, under pressure to alleviate his country’s debt problems, today announced his radical new measures to reduce the Italian deficit. Following the crisis in Greece and the potential crisis in Spain, concern has been expressed that Italy could be the next country to face crisis in the continuing disaster in the Eurozone, but Mr Berlusconi has been quick to dispel any rumours of trouble in the Italian financial markets. In an address today to the youth branch of his party, Mr Berlusconi announced that his cabinet will be opened as a brothel to paying customers, with all funds to be donated to the treasury.

The Prime Minister’s office is yet to clarify the exact mechanism of the new measures, however it is believed that the scheme was proposed by Mr Berlusconi himself, and sources suggest that in an act of self-sacrifice and with the hope of proving that the system works, he will be the first customer. When questioned on the morality of the move, Mr Berlusconi responded saying “My cabinet are in full agreement that this move is both the easiest and most pleasurable way to relieve the country’s debt problems. And I myself am confident that the cabinet will make the necessary sacrifices, for the sake of the country’. A full statement is expected to be made this afternoon.

Other European states have criticised the move, with Angela Merkel condemning the move as ‘debasing and objectifying’ women. David Cameron is yet to make a comment, however it is understood that Number 10 are arranging a visit to Rome, to coincide with the introduction of these new measures. Nicholas Sarkozy, the French president, has welcomed the measures, stating that this is the sort of ‘innovative thinking’ that will carry us out of the crisis in the Eurozone.

Plane Crash at Heathrow During Foreign Secretary’s Speech

A British Airways plane crashed today at Heathrow Airport. The plane, a Boeing 737-800, came down shortly before landing, during a speech being made at the airport by Foreign Secretary William Hague. Mr Hague, speaking on the Foreign Office response to the crisis in Yemen, was whisked from the scene by car shortly after the incident.

It is believed that the crash was caused by light reflecting off Mr Hague’s head into the eyes of the pilots, however a full enquiry has been launched to ascertain the full facts of the crash. The black box from the aircraft has been recovered, as well as several childrens’ toys, and a teddy-bear with a missing leg. Rescuers described the scene in the wreckage as heart-breaking, and have called for an apology from Mr Hague. The 189 seat aircraft which was carrying a horde of British tourists back from Ibiza, crash-landed within the grounds of the airport, short of runway 1, with no severe casualties. Several of the cabin crew were taken to hospital suffering from cricked necks, and fifteen passengers were also taken to burns units, although it is believed that this was not to do with the crash.

Several of the victims stated that they intended to sue Mr Hague for trauma, and one of the cabin crew announced an intention to claim from their employer. Mr Hague is yet to make any formal comment, and has not been seen in public since the incident, however BA made the following statement five hours after the crash:

‘It is regrettable that this incident has occurred, and the victims can rest assured that a full internal investigation has been launched. Now is not the time for blame, however it is clear that blame cannot be ascribed to any of our staff, and lays squarely at the feet of the causer of this disaster’

The statement has been condemned by industry leaders as ‘unhelpful’ and as a ‘sad indictment of the world we live in’. Commenting on the disaster, the Transport Secretary stated that ‘We must think of the victims in this unfortunate time.’ Leader of the opposition, Ed Milliband said in the House of Commons that ‘The crash is a sad inevitability of Conservative policy, and is demonstrative of the broken ‘big society’ plan’. The papers have taken different approaches to the disaster, with the Mail condemning it as symptomatic of immigration and criticising it’s effect on house prices; the Guardian producing a wall chart showing other air crashes from history; and the Sun commenting that had the plane landed a few miles to the left, it may have landed safely on the cleavage of Katie Price. Mr Hague is expected to speak in the House tomorrow.

Anti-Gravity Days Announced By Government

In a somewhat surprising move, the Government today announced a new public occasion. Starting from the 1st May, every second Tuesday will be designated as an ‘Anti-Gravity day’. The controversial move, which has been described by opposition leaders as ‘cynical’, has been criticised by some commentators as a sensationalist attempt to draw attention from the current global situation. The mechanics of the day have yet to be explained, but it is understood that with the support of Government scientists working at Porton Down, on the designated days, gravity in Britain will be temporarily reversed, with the effect that anything not tied down will fly into the air.

Professor David Higgins, lecturer in Physics at University College London has led a petition by leading academics to reverse the decision. Professor Higgins, interviewed in the Guardian, said ‘This move is patently absurd. It flies in the face of science, logic and reason, and cannot be allowed to proceed.’ The petition, which calls upon the Government to see reason and obey the known laws of physics, has already garnered signatures from over three-thousand leading scientists, and will be delivered to Downing Street tomorrow. A planned march on Westminster in protest at the action has already been cancelled after its leaders were floated into space in what the Government described as a ‘planned test of the systems’.

A press statement issued by the Government explaining the move said that the move was part of a broader package of reforms designed to cut costs. When pressed on this issue, the Home Secretary clarified that this particular move was directed at the aviation industry, with the hope that as more people make their own flights on Anti-Gravity days, new landing fees and taxes may be imposed on the individual, as well as on airlines. Pamphlets on what to expect are currently being delivered by Royal Mail, and should be arriving sometime in the next three decades. The Prime Minister denied that this was a U-turn on previous gravitic policy, insisting that it was time that legislation was tightened in this area.

Shock as Britton Makes No Appearance in Womens Magazines

2008 announced that she had had a gastric band fitted, “for personal reasons”, has so far made no statement, but is expected to hold an emergency press conference for the magazines in question, in order that she may appear next week. This latest occurrence of seeming laxity from the glossy magazines is likely to increase the recent debate around which celebrities should be permanent fixtures in magazines. An (unofficial) source in one of the magazines said “Of course, it is greatly unfortunate that Fern’s problems were overlooked in this edition of the magazine, but, in any wide-ranging publication such as ours, oversights are inevitable.”

Vatican announces new measures to appeal to youth

His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI has today announced his first single, following on from his previous Album of Prayers and Hymns. His Holiness, a keen amateur musician and listener to classical music, released his first album, ‘Alma Mater- Featuring the Voice of Pope Benedict’ in November of 2009. The CD featured prayers to the Virgin Mary, and hymns, some sung by the Pope himself.

The new single, announced today by a Vatican spokesman is designed to appeal to the younger generation, and reflects the new policy of attempting to draw more young people into the church. Released worldwide on 13th February, the new single is a cover of the Prodigy’s 1997 hit, ‘Smack My Bitch Up’. The spokesman announced that His Holiness has already recorded the piece, and hopes that the move will help to encourage the youth that the church is not rooted in tradition, and is a progressive organisation.

The announcement has drawn criticism from several groups, including the National Organisation for Women, who say that the song promotes violence against women. A spokesperson for the Organisation said today when questioned: ‘The song is a disgraceful choice and shows great insensitivity to the thousands of women who have suffered domestic violence.’ No response has yet been forthcoming from the Holy See.

Foreign Office Makes Funny Noise in Hostage Negotiations

The Foreign Office continues it’s negotiations for the release of the British Hostages currently being held by Pirates somewhere in Somalia. Few breakthroughs have been made, although insiders report that the Foreign Office ‘made a funny noise’ earlier today. The British Ambassador to Mogadishu, overseeing negotiations was overheard today confiding to an official that the Foreign Office made the noise whilst in a meeting with senior representatives of the captors. “It was a very strange noise,” he was heard to say, “it sounded like ‘eep'”. When questioned, the Ambassador denied his comments, saying that negotiations were going “As well as could be expected”. The Foreign Office also issued a statement denying any funny noises or impropriety in it’s dealings, and once again reaffirming their dedication to not making any concessions to hostage takers. Harold Jones and Elsa Smith, the hostages were taken three days ago in an attack whilst sailing through the Gulf of Aden. Family members report that the couple were travelling through the Gulf on a sightseeing holiday when they were captured by pirates armed with machetes, Kalashnikovs and RPGs. Negotiations continue.

Shock as TV’s Queen of Cookery Kills Cat on Television

Shocked viewers of Delia’s Classic Christmas on BBC Two have been voicing complaints this evening as they witnessed the Queen of Classical Cookery’s shock actions. Whilst baking a Christmas Creole Cake, “Saint” Delia, looking out of the window and noticing a cat walking across her lawn, grabbed a knife, and to the shock of viewers, running across the garden and stabbing the cat repeatedly. Shock soon turned to astonishment when she picked the dead cat up and brought it back into the kitchen, hanging it from a meat hook by the tail. Smith, 68, then turned to the camera and commenting “That’ll make a good Boxing Day starter”.  Ofcom, the media regulator has received a record number of complaints from disgusted viewers, and in a statement announced that “the board are currently considering possible sanctions against the BBC for this clear divergence from standard morals and dignity”. No statement has been forthcoming from Ms Smith, although it is expected that a press conference may be held in the morning.

Large Hadron Collider Repurposed in Shock CERN Move

It was announced today that the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) has been re-purposed from it’s original search for the missing ‘God Particle’, the Higg’s Boson. The Director of the LHC project announced that, due to recent discoveries, the Collider will be re-purposed to search for the missing Greggs’ Boson. The Greggs’ Boson, one of the fundamental particles, should, if found, reveal the missing matter in the universe. The latest theory, from Professor Hermann Van Warburton, suggests that the missing matter, that comprises 96% of the universe, is made of various dough based comestibles. It is believed that the so-called Dark Energy, is savoury, and the Dark Matter, sweet. The Greggs’ Boson will, if found, confirm the presence of this matter. Scientists anticipate that the first results, will come in within three months.

Google Changes Unofficial Motto

The World’s biggest Search Engine, Google today announced that it is to change it’s unofficial Motto, “Don’t be Evil”, to the more competitive “Be Evil”. Company insiders report that the move is to maintain the company’s position within a modern and progressive market, although they have not revealed how this new approach will take them. The company’s headquarters, the Googleplex in California has been lit up red for several nights now and the company’s CEO is due to gib a press conference later this afternoon. Reports that the company has been breeding cats within it’s headquarters are unconfirmed, although reliable sources within the management have confirmed that a program of so called ‘NPR’ training has been organised and is being given to all employees. The reforms are due to be completed in the summer of 2010 when the company moves it’s headquarters to a recently purchased complex, on a private pacific island.

Asian Hit-and-run Snail Strikes Again

The spate of hit-and-run incidents continues today with three more attacks, two in India, and one in Nepal. The first came at 8:17 this morning, when it was reported that a man was injured in the city of Hyderabad, he is understood to be in a critical condition in hospital. The second came six hours later, with two people understood to have been attacked in New Delhi. No information has been released on their conditions. The Nepali attack came at 15:32 in the capital of Kathmandu. Three were understood to have been struck by a speeding snail. An eyewitness reported that the snail had mounted the kerb, and appeared to be targetting the people who were struck. The Indian government released a statement, expressing their concern that this may be an organized gang, operating through the Asias. These attacks come after several months of sustained assaults throughout China and many other Eastern Countries. So far, no one has died, although several of the victims are thought to be in vegetative states, and are being kept in stable conditions at hospitals.