Mubarak Resigns To Play Popular Children’s Character

Mubarak rehearsing, yesterday

Following the resignation of President Hosni Mubarak earlier today, further details surrounding his departure have been revealed. A press statement released by the interim military government clarified that Mr Mubarak resigned not because of the eighteen-day long protests, but rather in order to play the role of Eeyore in a new live action film version of the children’s classic ‘Winnie the Pooh’. Mr Mubarak, who has ruled as president of Egypt for the past thirty years, is said to be ‘ecstatic’ at the opportunity, and is apparently hoping that the role will open a new career for him as a film actor.

International observers have expressed doubts over Mr Mubarak’s departure, described by some as a futile attempt to change his image. Professor Hussein Jawad, Senior Lecturer in Middle Eastern politics at the University of West Sussex described the move as ‘cynical’, stating that ‘The People do not want Mubarak as Eeyore. They’d much prefer someone else.’ Despite his comments, the people of Egypt are celebrating tonight, Tahrir Square, the focus of the demonstration, hosting the largest party seen in Egypt since the death of Ahkenaten in 1334 BC.

The new military government has yet to release a detailed official response, however, a full statement is expected within the next few hours. No word has been forthcoming from Mr Mubarak himself, believed to be in the Red Sea resort of Sharm el-Sheikh, however the studio behind the ‘rebooting’ of the ‘Winnie the Pooh’ franchise, has released the following brief statement: ‘We look forward to working with Mr Mubarak in his new role as Eeyore, and are confident that he will overcome his difficulties to play a truly winning performance as a character that is so close to many people’s hearts.’

British Government in Hanging Gangs Amnesty

The British Government today announced a coat-hangar amnesty, urging people to bring their hangars to police collection points scattered throughout the country. The recent introduction of the Dangerous Hanging Objects Bill (2009) means that all coat-hangars wishing to hang in British wardrobes must register with the Ministry of Household Objects, to gain permission to remain in British closets. Hangars found to be flouting regulations will be sentenced by the Magistrates Courts, facing punishments of re-purposing, thought to mean re fashioning into useful hooks. Minister for Household Objects, Hubert Hoss warned people of the dangers presented by coat-hangars and urged them to hand in their hangars. No spokesperson from the coat-hangars has come forward to reply to these regulations.