Large Hadron Collider Repurposed in Shock CERN Move

It was announced today that the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) has been re-purposed from it’s original search for the missing ‘God Particle’, the Higg’s Boson. The Director of the LHC project announced that, due to recent discoveries, the Collider will be re-purposed to search for the missing Greggs’ Boson. The Greggs’ Boson, one of the fundamental particles, should, if found, reveal the missing matter in the universe. The latest theory, from Professor Hermann Van Warburton, suggests that the missing matter, that comprises 96% of the universe, is made of various dough based comestibles. It is believed that the so-called Dark Energy, is savoury, and the Dark Matter, sweet. The Greggs’ Boson will, if found, confirm the presence of this matter. Scientists anticipate that the first results, will come in within three months.